a new season.
Today found Rick and I wandering slowly around the apartment in an attempt to do something rather than nothing. Eventually, nothing got the better of Rick and he found some relaxation in the couch, a blanket, and TV shows online. Christmas decorations were calling my name and so I first I made a mess, than I started to pick up the mess and in its stead was twinkle lights, red candles, and decorations that were all new.
This is our first Christmas season together as a married couple.
Last Tuesday was a cruel ending of one season and the beginning of another that I am stubbornly digging in my heels on the way to. Last Tuesday, the baby we had been caring for was taken away from us. One loud crack of a gavel and everything my life had quickly turned into was reversed. No more 2:30am feedings; no more scheduling our lives around her's. Every conversation about the present and the future was focused on her well-being.
And oh, how we cared for her well-being.
"Did she nap on schedule? Did she eat enough? Where do you think would be a good town for her to grow up in? What kind of personality do you think she will have? How do we make sure we are good parents for her? What should we get her for her first Christmas?"....
I already have two Christmas presents hidden away in the closet for her.
But of course the questions flood me at every moment. So many questions. Not one of them can be answered - and probably won't be answered till I can ask HIM. I flee from moments of reflection unless I am prepared to grab a box of tissues and have my journal nearby. Since when did Walmart become a melancholy place? Well, apparently, today it was!
Regardless of all that, I just miss her. I miss her laugh and holding her tight. I miss that she relied on me for everything! What a big job; a job I never thought I could handle or want. Rick said, "I guess most people would think this an easier life -- no baby to buckle in every time we get into the car. No baby to make it hard to schedule our daily life around. No baby to have to feed... But, I just miss her. I would rather the inconvenience ANY DAY than the loneliness we feel now."
So, back to reality. The Christmas lights are up and a tree will come tomorrow. And we will take it one day at a time... err... one minute at a time. And all the while, I will search for answers to some of the plaguing thoughts in my heart and maybe HE will answer some. Slowly, but surely.
One step at a time [with Jesus by my side].
This is our first Christmas season together as a married couple.
Last Tuesday was a cruel ending of one season and the beginning of another that I am stubbornly digging in my heels on the way to. Last Tuesday, the baby we had been caring for was taken away from us. One loud crack of a gavel and everything my life had quickly turned into was reversed. No more 2:30am feedings; no more scheduling our lives around her's. Every conversation about the present and the future was focused on her well-being.
And oh, how we cared for her well-being.
"Did she nap on schedule? Did she eat enough? Where do you think would be a good town for her to grow up in? What kind of personality do you think she will have? How do we make sure we are good parents for her? What should we get her for her first Christmas?"....
I already have two Christmas presents hidden away in the closet for her.
But of course the questions flood me at every moment. So many questions. Not one of them can be answered - and probably won't be answered till I can ask HIM. I flee from moments of reflection unless I am prepared to grab a box of tissues and have my journal nearby. Since when did Walmart become a melancholy place? Well, apparently, today it was!
Regardless of all that, I just miss her. I miss her laugh and holding her tight. I miss that she relied on me for everything! What a big job; a job I never thought I could handle or want. Rick said, "I guess most people would think this an easier life -- no baby to buckle in every time we get into the car. No baby to make it hard to schedule our daily life around. No baby to have to feed... But, I just miss her. I would rather the inconvenience ANY DAY than the loneliness we feel now."
So, back to reality. The Christmas lights are up and a tree will come tomorrow. And we will take it one day at a time... err... one minute at a time. And all the while, I will search for answers to some of the plaguing thoughts in my heart and maybe HE will answer some. Slowly, but surely.
One step at a time [with Jesus by my side].
Carina and Rick,
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you. There aren't any words to offer to ease what you are experiencing. Please know that you gave this little girl memories and love that will always be in her mind and heart. You have provided a foundation of nuturing that can never be taken away. Take comfort in the thought that you were able to give her what she needed at a most crucial time of her life.
Beth
I can't imagine how you must feel. I don't know what i would do in your situation. I am praying for you guys. It breaks my heart that some people want children and don't have them and others have them and don't want them. Doesn't make sense too me. God is faithful and I know He will work out His perfect will in this. Keep your eyes on Him.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Danelle
Dearest Carina,
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for you and your husband and I wish I could do something to ease your pain... please know that you have been in my heart these days. What you said is what I pray for, the sustenance of one minute, only one minute at a time, out of this terrible pain! Love you dearly!!!