First Time Mom Freak-Outs

As far as the whole postpartum depression thing goes, I think I faired pretty well. Of course, I was aware of this possible emotional whirlwind, but really, do you ever really know what you are in for? Having a baby is an out-of-body experience as it is. WOW. The fact that you grow another human being in your body and then delivery it through intense pain and a lot of work - not to mention the adrenaline rush that makes you feel like you watched it from a fly's perspective... The whole thing is crazy surreal.

So, then you are sent home with a baby. They make you watch videos about shaking your baby, nursing, and strapping them in properly in the carseat. They even walked me to my car to make sure the seatbelt was on right.

But, quite frankly, strapping a carseat in was the least of my concerns.

We returned home in a hazy state of bliss. My mom had lit candles and cleaned the apartment and we spent the afternoon getting settled and somewhat adjusted to this HUGE CHANGE that came in the form of a 7.6lbs baby. I can't remember much about the rest of the day, but then the night came...

And my baby cried... and cried and cried. And I cried and cried. Rick walked her but then I would miss her, so I would take her back and cuddle her and change her diaper. And she would still cry. Finally, it was 5am and I asked Rick to go get my mom. So, she came and bundled up her newest grandbaby, told me to lay down and sleep and went to the living room with my baby. 2 hours later, I woke up and went and checked on them - sure enough, baby was asleep in her Nana's arms. I whispered, "Bring her back whenever you'd like."

Aaaahhh. This is where my emotions were playing tricks on me. I went back to my bed and started crying. Rick asked, "What's wrong?" (He's thinking: isn't this a good thing? GO TO SLEEP!) I cried even harder and I said, "I just miss her when she isn't here and I feel like a failure - I can't even get my own baby to go to sleep!"

He must have laughed a bit. It had been 2 hours and I could finally sleep, but here I was crying that she wasn't in here. But, he convinced me to close my eyes for a bit longer and when my Mom brought her in, she knew what was wrong, "You missed her while she was gone?" She said as more of a statement than a question. Tears sprung to my eyes as I sat up out of bed and reached for my now-sleeping baby. I nodded my head at the question and laid back down to rest.

Aaahhhh. Good times.

Well, the next night wasn't so good either and I spent most of the night awake in the family room with my baby - nursing, walking, sleeping, nursing, walking, sleeping. What was it about the nighttime!?!?

So, the next day, Rick was out at the store and took the initiative of buying a pacifier. We placed it in her mouth and it was like an immediate solution to all her troubles.

Aaaaaahh! Yes another emotional trick.

That evening, I sat on the couch with my baby as she contentedly sucked on her pacifier and I texted my oldest sister.

"I hope I'm not ruining her... we got her a small pacifier and she is so happy. Is that terrible?"

Clearly, I was not in the right frame of mind. Of course, this came after a 12 hour stint of struggling to get her to nurse - which prompted my nervousness of the pacifier.

Obviously, my sister assured me that I was not ruining my baby by giving her a pacifier. But, just to make me feel more assured, she came over 10 minutes later with a box of hand-me-down baby girl clothes and a comforting shoulder. I burst into tears as she, once again, assured me that a pacifier was not going to ruin my baby.

I am happy to say that after that initial week, I settled down and Margaret and I got to know each other. Last night when she cried and cried and cried - for no apparent reason - I remained calm and Rick and I took turns walking her, singing to her and praying for her. And eventually, we all fell asleep with no tears (on our part) involved.