one step at a time... or sometimes a leap.

The Best-Food Thanksgiving

2011-11-25T07:14:00.000-08:00

I realize eating properly helps when you have a family who is "with you on it" or you live by yourself. I am somewhere in between. Rick has been really into eating healthy as of late (he is a food-pro so when I have nutritional questions I ask him) and so for the first time, I came away from Thanksgiving feeling completely happy and not over-stuffed!

We prepared a small, organic chicken with lemons, garlic, and thyme stuffed inside of it. Simple.

Fresh brussel sprouts and asparagus roasted with garlic and salt/pepper.

1 loaf of pumpkin bread.

Individual apple pies (so we could avoid left-overs).

I ate a small portion of each item and was done eating.

Aaaahhhh. So that's what Thanksgiving not being stuffed feels like? Nice.

(this is NOT a complaint against other Thanksgiving meals I have experienced - they are usually SOOOOOO good I forget "diet rules"!)

________

But, on to daily food decisions. Laying a good foundation during your daily routine will help you when food is the main source of celebration. Cementing your decisions for food and shrinking your stomach NOW so that when the option to stuff yourself isn't as appealing.

So, two weeks ago I sat down and did some research. I read this blog and was completely encouraged. I wrote out all of my favorite foods on a spread sheet along with the calories.

I used a calorie calculator to estimate how many calories I should consume.

I followed the advice of the blog writer and scheduled in to eat approximately 360 calories of fruit/veggies and 250 calories of meat/fish.

For me, I estimate in approximately 1,000 calories/per day. That may sound like a very small amount to you, but in all honesty, when you are cutting into 5 small meals with lots of fruits and veggies and the proper amount of protein and carbs, it is VERY satisfying. I only had one day where I went to bed hungry and I think that was because I didn't space the meals out properly.

I made two charts: DAY 1 - I wrote out one menu plan; DAY 2 - another menu plan (so that I have some options).

As an example:

breakfast

2/3 cup Cascadian Farms granola

1/2 cup skim milk

snack

apple

1 Tbs natural peanut butter

lunch

1 4 oz piece of salmon

1 cup of broccoli

snack

2 cups of mixed green salad

1 can of tuna fish

dinner

1/2 piece of chicken

1 large red potato

Now, you may look at this and think, "That looks like a lot of work."

Well, yeah. It is. At first. Eventually, it will just become your daily routine.

If you work a normal job (unlike me) and you have to bring your food with you: put peanut butter in a Tupperware bowl, open and drain tuna fish and put it in another Tupperware... bring your snacks with you and eat breakfast/dinner at home. Some people prepare all of their food on Sunday night for the entire week so its not as much work.

Motivators:

Find quotes that keep your focus and hang it in the kitchen.

Find a picture of yourself when you felt you look your best and hang it somewhere you will see it often.

Go to bed 30 minutes early at night and wake up 30 minutes earlier to work out. Just think: IT'S ONLY 30 MINUTES.

(this is more of a pep-talk for myself today... haha!)

A new way of living...

2011-11-21T12:50:00.001-08:00

In the past six months, I have increased my knowledge and drive for learning to eat well and to exercise. But, in the past two months, I have really found peace in being more diligent with it and within the past week, I have discovered a new plan.

(please note: when I say "diet", I mean that in terms of balance of food groups, proportions, and regularity. I am not a fan of strict diets which leave you hungry or dieting which denies an entire food group).

Disclaimers:

I don't do it perfectly.

I often have to start over again (implied: I stopped doing it at some point).

I need LOTS of encouragement from my husband

I find myself in tears when I don't get the results I want when I want them.

I love sugar.

I find new methods on a regular basis (I get bored easily).

I am the best critic of myself and I often need someone on the outside to help balance my view of myself.

Things I have learned:

All new methods should lead to the same thing: food balance and exercise.

If you cheat on your "plan", don't worry: just keep going like it didn't happen. Don't give up altogether.

If you can't find time for 20-30 minutes of exercise every day, you should reconsider your lifestyle and priorities (this was hard for me!).

Be patient and remind yourself: it's about being healthy; not about being a certain size.

Last week I had a "slap in the face" when I saw some recent pictures of myself. The worst part? The weeks preceding these pictures, I had worked tirelessly on my diet and exercise routine and I still looked bloated and fat. I was incredibly discouraged. I cried and vented and felt angry and embarrassed and many other emotions. This is where the concept of time comes into play. It could take twice as long to lose a pound than it did to gain it.

I have had a change of perspective. I don't really consider myself a big eater but I don't think I looked at food as the simplicity that it is: substance to live by. I look at food and ask: "Is this beneficial to my body?"

The answer is, often, "No."

Are sugars out of the question? No.

Should I eat a lot of it? No.

Do I even eat it every day? No.

In my experience, the more strict you get, the harder it is to follow through. So, make it simple for yourself. Keep It Simple Stupid.

some sort of yummy pastry/mexican thing.

2011-06-07T07:48:00.000-07:00

I like pie crust.

I like this pie crust.

It's light, fluffy, SOOOO Tasty and buttery... Yum. Need I say more?

I simply could use this recipe for a lot of things: pie, pastry's, entree's, etc.

Here is the latest: I have no name for it.

shredded chicken

onions

garlic

black beans

spicy pepper

corn

cumin (lots!)

chili powder

splash of soy sauce

salt

pepper

mix it all together.

make the pie crust (make sure you have time to refrigerate it!).

roll the pie crust out and fill with the yummy chicken/bean/corn thing.

Put shredded cheese on it before you roll.

Bake at 3:75 for 15-20 minutes or until lightly golden on top.

some more... of, well, the same book.

2011-05-23T19:25:00.000-07:00

Today was the first day that I was able to feel like summertime might actually come to the North Country. The breeze swept through the windows, out the back door, and down the sloping, well-groomed hill. The lilac trees are blooming and the smell of blossoms linger near my back door. (I have no idea what kind of flowers they are. Danica could tell you.)

But, nighttime comes and I find myself cleaning up the kitchen and then finding a comfy seat on the couch with my slightly broken laptop. I search for Doberman puppies for my husbands dreams, and I look at real estate further down south for my own dreams.

And within an hour, I put the laptop down and I feel slightly nauseous. Not really physically, but more emotionally. It's not the first time I have felt this. It is a common side-effect of dreamers - it was especially bad in high school. But, over the past 6 months, it has re-entered my life. And it is plain and simple: restlessness. An aching for doing something new; something different.

So, I collect my things - journal and 1,000 gifts - and I go upstairs to my bedroom. I shut the door behind me and get myself comfortable with pillows behind my back and a bowl of airpopped popcorn. I honestly already knew that opening this book would bring some sort of peace to my soul. And it did.

Ann Voskamp is in the middle of telling me about naming. Sounds kind of... simple, right? She thought so too. Naming? What is that suppose to mean? She begins explaining to me that identifying our blessings and naming them is what we were designed to do. Adam was given dominion over the animals and was to name them. God had designed good things - but was it enough that they were just around Adam without being recognized?

Just as a parent wants to see their children learn to thank people for acts of kindness shown towards them, so God wants to see us give recognition for the gifts He has put in our life.

Why? Can't we just live life day to day?

Aaahhh. But, what does that do to our perspective? (I'm telling you, this book is Holy Spirit breathed. I really, truly believe that.) Isn't our perspective everything in life? When we are having a bad day, don't we tend to see every situation through that bad day? When we wake up with the birds chirping and the sun shining, doesn't that alter our disposition?

C.S. Lewis says, "If you think of this world as a place intended simply for our happiness, you find it quite intolerable; think of it as a place of training and correction and it's not so bad."

Interesting, huh?

I have seen this change take place in my life. Well, on the days I embrace this lesson: eucharisteo. Giving thanks; communion with God. It teaches your heart to be joyful in an instant. Instead of holding a grudge when harsh words are spoken, the habit has been formed to soften your heart quicker. Rather than living with restlessness: gratefulness and contentment can be reached through praise. Settling for depression and despair doesn't have to be the only choice - joy through giving thanks can set you free!

I have a confession though: I have only read 1/3 of this book, but I am thinking, if it has impacted me this much with only 1/3, I can't WAIT to see what else God has in store as I read the rest of it!

1,000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp

2011-05-18T05:11:00.001-07:00

It has been a while since my last post. Surely, that can't mean I have nothing going on in my life, right? Well, it certainly hasn't been boring. Each day brings something new: and in the more recent past, that something new hasn't typically been special or nice. I would even venture to say that if someone were to look in from the outside they would wonder what we did wrong to deserve this life. Real estate controversy, neighborhood drama, physical ailments, unemployment... the list goes on. Maybe we did do something wrong? Fortunately, I am trusting God to work in my heart so that I learn from this and we can move on!

But, really, what I was going to write about -- what has re-inspired me to come back to this space on the world wide web - is a book. If you know me at all, I am NOT a big reader. I like pictures, movies, magazines, and baking. NOT reading. And if I do start a book, I rarely finish it. But, there is a new book that everyone was a buzz about. So, when this sister related this book to being like a breath of fresh air... or was it a glass of cool water? -regardless of the analogy, it caught my attention. I could use a glass of cool water. Ya think?

So, what is all the hub-bub about anyways? What's so great about this book?

The minute I started reading it, it caught my attention - which is, by the way, the only reason I continue to read a book - the first 5 minutes.

"Our fall was, and has always been, and always will be, that we aren't satisfied in God and what He gives. We hunger for something more, something other."

Huh.

Well, if that isn't the epitome of human nature, right? This echoed the things the Lord had already begun etching into my heart: satisfaction. But, the book doesn't end there. That was just the beginning. She goes on to communicate her own personal lesson in giving thanks. In Eucharisteo. Which translates, "he gave thanks". But, it also has the root words of joy and grace.

"The only real fall of man is his noneucharistic life in a noneucharistic world... humanity's discontentment with all that God freely gives..." Over and over again she states how eucharisteo is shown time after time in the Bible as being key to our salvation experience. I quickly grab a 3x5 and scribble a quote down and sit it in front of the sink so I can see it every day: "I would never experience the fullness of my salvation until I expressed the fullness of my thanks every day, and eucharisteo is elemental to living the saved life."

Wow. I step back and read it again. It's like a glass of cool water. Ann quotes another author in her book who writes, "You can read many books about the fact that water will quench your thirst, but until you put the books down and bring the water to your parched lips, you will never experience what you are reading about." In that same way, I knew. The minute I read those words about eucharisteo being elemental to my saved life... I knew. I needed some of that. I needed that drink of water.

It's a lifestyle. Daily. Making a list in your head opens an awareness in your heart of the Lord's goodness. When you focus on HIS bigness, it humbles you to the point of gratefulness and true joy for what He has done. So, I am reading the book slowly. After each chapter I mull over it. I take in the meaning and try to practice it in my life and already I see a change. Already I see a miracle happening right in front of me.

It's my recommendation: read the book.

2011-01-24T17:00:00.000-08:00

It's almost the end of January and the month has flown by so quickly I don't even remember if Christmas happened. The only clue would be the Nativity Scene that is still set up in the corner of my living room - I didn't even remember that it was there until a week ago. How did I miss that?

Rick is still gone - gone till February 1st. He left Christmas Day. Oh, don't worry - we have seen each other for 20 hours since December 25th. Not consecutive hours, but ya know - I can't complain; it's better than nothing.

I was thinking about getting him this sweatshirt, just to remind him:

Mozart is sitting next to me and I know I am boring him to tears. But, what can I say? I am NOT venturing out in this weather even if he paid me to. It's hit that kind of a low temperature that makes you scratch your head and ask, "really? -30 degrees?" But, it's true. And going out to the mailbox was the furthest I will walk outside during evil times like this.

The fireplace is rip-roaring and I am sitting here enjoying my evening immensely. Instead of crashing the minute my last client was done, I forced myself to vacuum both hardwood floors and carpets of the main floor. Tomorrow? The upstairs. We shall conquer. I have company coming and I refuse for someone new to view my house at the level of disarray it has hit.

Amongst things like work and cleaning a house, I am thoroughly enjoying teaching Jr. Church on Sunday's. I took on the challenge of teaching 2nd-7th grade children and we are doing an in-depth study on the Old Testament. I LOVE it. I find that I am learning more than I had ever expected and the Word of God does not ever get boring! I hope the kids are learning. They have several different papers in their folders: a chart for the books of the bible with the date they were written, the author, and the number of chapters in each book; a list of the books of the bible with lines for the "highlights" that we find the most significant in each book; and I table of contents to help in memorizing the order and the name of all 66 books of the bible.

Someone said, "Carina, I heard you took on Jr. Church? As if you didn't have enough to do?" I laughed, "When you feel inspired, better go for it: you never know when it will run out!" When God gives you vision, you better do something with it: you know what the parable of the talents says....

just stuff. life. really.

2011-01-04T19:27:00.000-08:00

It's a new year. I keep chewing on that and yet New Year's Eve feels like a few years ago already. Time is a funny thing.

Rick left Christmas day for two weeks to attend a Dog Training School in North Carolina (to be a dog trainer, not specifically to train Brahms). Between this trip and training for a new job that is done in Syracuse, he will be gone for six weeks with a quick, short week after the first initial week away. In time for Christmas, but barely here for Christmas.

I feel as though I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I have begun the arduous journey of getting my tax information together and for those of you who might be self-employed, you know that, unfortunately, that doesn't mean you have a W-2 form and a few receipts. Ha. Right now, I actually wish I wasn't self-employed. But, I always wish that come January.

But, it has been a good year. We bought a beautiful home - which you all probably know. But, I appreciate it more and more. It's been lonely as of late, but that actually doesn't mean I get to accept every invitation that someone extends. I still have dishes in the sink, a bathroom that DESPERATELY needs to be cleaned, clients that need to be satisfied, laundry... and a dog. And, much to my dismay and sadness, my thoughts and emotions are being used up primarily on a frustratingly confusing application for my business permit here in Madrid. To which I am now being called to appear before the Madrid Planning Board. Oh, I know. It's all in God's Hands - and believe me, after this year I certainly know it's not in mine - so the outcome will be what it may, but it takes lots of preparing for. Including 2 1/2 hours of looking through 1,000's of call logs on AT&T today. Aahhh. The joys.

view from my front porch this morning

My New Year's Eve was spent at my in-laws eating dessert pizza complete with Brie, apples, cinnamon, and pecans. Yum, if I do say so myself. ;) My mother- and sister-in-law played games with me and watched TV until 11:30 (which is when both my MIL and I fell asleep). Something woke my MIL up at 12:02 and she shouted, "Happy New Year!" and we promptly went to sleep in our beds.

me and Motsy on New Year's Eve. Doesn't he look happy?

Things that stink about Rick being gone: I don't have a laptop and am confined to using a desktop. I tried lighting a fire in the fireplace TWICE and it was an Epic Fail. Mozart is desperately bored and thank goodness for him, his friend, Bailey, down the street enjoys his company and fortunately for me, so does Bailey's owner! I find that I sleep more on the couch than in my own bed - largely in part because Mozart tore up another of his bed's and he finds towels very uncomfortable. (can anyone say SPOILED?)

Mozart definitely misses his buddy.

The thing I feel the best about my January 1st is not the resolution to exercise more, or even to read my bible more - but I am mostly impressed that this weekend God lifted some serious depression and sadness off of me. Yeah, yeah, I am still having moments of fighting that and choosing Joy, but something in my heart just "snapped". No, seriously - snapped is the correct word. I'm at church and suddenly realized how easy it is to justify our sadness. Like somehow, we are the exception to the rule. NOT. In God's perfect plan, Adam and Eve had NOTHING to be sad about: they had everything. In God's perfect plan, Adam and Eve didn't want for anything. Huh. Then why would I maintain that state in my heart if it's not His perfect plan? Nope. I'm not gonna.

And the coolest thing is that I went home and wrote Rick this long, long email (which he probably cringed a little bit at when he opened it) and then was talking with a friend about it a little while later and it became so cemented in my heart. I'm done being sad. So, Monday night I go to the CFC prayer meeting and someone came over and said, "I have a word for you: God says, 'It's over.' That depression you have been under is done... and you are going to have Joy."

The last few months had become painfully too similar to a season I went through in 2005. No, I didn't recede to the small attic bedroom at my parents. No, I didn't withdraw from every form of socialization that I could avoid, but it was there. In my heart. And it hurt and it was dark and almost smothering. But, it's over. It's a new "day" - with it's new challenges, of course, but a new day nonetheless.

Happy New Year to you all.

2010-11-02T08:55:00.000-07:00

There is so much to do: laundry, cleaning, client's hair, decorating cakes, music to be ordered and looked over, and an etiquette class to be prepared... And yet, here I sit. My mind keeps wandering these days.

This week, without purpose, my thoughts go to a little house on Judson Street that I miss being in so much. Hardwood floors, cozy nooks and sunny spots, a beautiful guest room and a bathtub to die for. A few months ago you would have found a hard-working woman going about her tasks: taking care of two lovely doggies, tending to her lawn and garden, making yumminess on her granite counters. And if you didn't know her before, you'd never guess what she has had to endure to just "be". A few hints are found around the house: a photo here or there, a hanging on the wall of a brave and courageous man. Tell-tail signs that there was someone special in her life once and now he isn't there.

But, she doesn't live in that house anymore. She has persevered and grown, and although in her mind she may not realized it, every day she is an example to us all. Consider it pure joy, my sister, when you have faced trials of many kind. Knowing that this testing of your faith has produced perseverance and patience. Letting that finish it's work in you: that you may become mature and perfect, lacking nothing.

I don't doubt that the "consider it joy" is probably something most of us wouldn't pass with flying colors, but He promises something afterwards: perfection and lacking NOTHING. If I feel a lacking, I can't even imagine the feeling of lack in losing a husband.

This is a tribute: because this week, all those sorrows and griefs will be revisited with a fresh wind of mourning. And that's okay. I know just a taste of that and wish that she could be spared from this memory. But, thank You, Jesus, for the promises of what is to come: lacking nothing.

My heart is with you, friend far away. Take your time. No rushing. Enjoy the season you are in, but know we are all thinking of you lots this coming week.

And, happy birthday.

A Photo Update

2010-10-05T08:58:00.000-07:00

The past six months have been a whirlwind. Completely.

I started out a brunette. My how things have changed.

And then Liana and I accompanied Julia to NYC - which of course required several trips to Starbucks.

And then I took a picture of a random person just because I liked her hair.

But, really the trip was so Julia could do things like play her guitar.

But, we made it fun and Liana picked out the ugliest dress and tried it on. And in true Liana-style, she somehow made it look A-Okay.

We contained our "craziness" and met Julia's management company and listened with smiles on our faces while she wow-ed them with her music.

But, of course, the silliness had to end at some point, and you could find me back at the salon on Miner Street doing Prom Up-do's and weddings almost every Saturday.

On the side, I pretended to be a baker. Because that would be amazing.

In the matter of 4 weeks, we managed to put a purchase offer on a house 5 doors down from my parents, closed, and moved. That was true hectic-ness.

On our quieter nights, we found ourselves doing things like watching the cutest nephew play little league baseball. Such fun!

We settled into this beautiful house and spent the first few months here enjoying this:

And sunsets like this:

And with any house, there were projects to be done. Nothing major, but a new coat of paint does a world of good!

And less wallpaper...

Somewhere along this timeline, I "morphed" into a redhead again... not sure how that happened. ;)

Shortly after moving in to our beautiful house, I managed to have bronchitis and get a nasty Spider bite.. yuck.

But, despite that, I managed to get some more baking in

And to do hair for the musical, "Annie".

Somehow, I got spoiled with another trip to NYC with the best Mom-In-Law to pick up the best Sister-In-Law!

And we stopped at a great Thai Restaurant in Greenwich Village - it was FABULOUS!!!!

And then, for some crazy reason that I won't even bother to get into, we decided to move the salon to the house. Wow. What a project. Hours of work by everyone involved... all the pieces of the puzzle started coming together...

But, the finished product was lovely --

Somewhere along the way of this craziness, we acquired the possession of two very handsome dogs. Brahms and Mozart:

Brahms is a doberman pinscher who is now 10 weeks old.

Mozart is a German Shorthaired Pointer who is 15 weeks old.

We left the doggies home and took another exciting trip to NYC to help end this season on a good note (it has been slightly stressful, albeit, exciting!).

For some reason our travels took us to a Ferrari dealership... Not sure why??

We actually stayed IN NYC. Usually we stay with my Aunt. It was lots of fun.

Rick went to his first Broadway musical. "The Lion King" was excellent. And somewhere along the way I went blonde.

And just for kicks and giggles, more pics of the lovely boys -

A Very Busy Summer

2010-08-28T06:28:00.000-07:00

Lots and lots of events and happenings have taken place since arriving in our new home here on Main Street in Madrid. Buying furniture, moving cabinets, rearranging rooms, taking wallpaper down, learning that cleaning this house is a lot more work than cleaning a 5-room apartment! Currently, I have chairs and boxes littering the front hallway. And no, it is not because I was too lazy to unpack for two months ago. It's because we already have a HUGE project happening on the back of our house. Oh, but that's another event and another LONG story.

But, some things don't change. Strong Starbucks coffee still greets me every morning, a quiet home, and dishes that need to be washed. But, those are the things I like; the things I can count on to maintain themselves in my life. (Assuming I don't forget to buy the coffee and dish detergent!)

Last week I looked around my salon that I will be leaving in 4 more work-days and I found tears making their way down my cheeks. "Don't cry, shop-girl, don't cry." So much for having nerves of steel. We escorted all of the equipment out of the salon yesterday and I refused to look back at the emptiness I am leaving.

So, to make something a little more "fun" in our lives, we bought a dog. And we have another one coming in two weeks. Crazy people? Yes. That we are. We went to look at the little pup we are going to be getting in two weeks and ended up walking away with one that was ready now. Mozart and Bach are our new additions. Mozart is a German Shorthaired Pointer and he is so very cute. Very, very social - doesn't like us to leave him alone in a room. I am now anxious to get his play-mate hoping it will make me a little more "dispensable" to him and that I won't be tripping over him every move I make. Although, I will admit I have grown very fond of having a tag along as I do my regular house chores and meanderings.

Today I run out to do hair for a wedding and then over to a family reunion at my in-laws camp. The world keeps turning, doesn't it?

2010-07-02T05:12:00.000-07:00

*A photo update to follow

Thing's I love:

1. Pushing the knob to "normal wash" and having the dish washer do a job that used hours of my life this past year.

2. The job of deciding WHICH cupboard to put my stuff in - so many options!

3. Hardwood floors

4. Porches, a cross-breeze through the house, and a mudroom for all the boots and gloves and hats for the winter-time.

5. The family who lived here before us and took such good care of their home (big shoes to fill)

6. MY family (and friends) who came and so generously gave of their time and energy to help us set up this house. It would NOT look this great without them!

7. And last, but NOT least, a husband who worked so hard yesterday and woke up, read his bible, and is going to work despite his wife teasing him to take the day off. I know all he wants to do is stay here and work in the carriage house, clean the pool, and set up his computer.

transition.

2010-06-11T18:05:00.000-07:00

Swirling constantly goes the mind

So much to juggle and so many decisions to be made

Shelves are empty and china dishes are packed

Blink back the tears that spring forth

a box that brings memories.

0-3,3-6,6-9 month. Pink. Soft.

HIS words... put your hand to the plow and don't look back.

But it's not the sadness I hear Him gently speaking to

It's the debilitating grief.

"Don't look back," I say to myself.

The boxes stack up in front of me and help me focus

Focus on the future.

But every few weeks without prompting

my heart aches still.

Sometimes the cardboard box that says Pampers

sometimes the empty guest room

"Don't look back," I repeat.

Slowly, the pictures were taken down from the wall

slowly, ever so slowly, I allowed myself to wonder:

Will this go back up in my new home?

So much ahead... but that doll in the laundry basket of baby clothes

The bottles and pacifiers...

"Don't look back."

It seems harder this time around

No more memories of her in the new house -

she wasn't there.

She didn't sleep there; eat there; or learn to sit up on her own

but she did here.

So much to remember; so much to miss

"Don't look back," I plead with myself.

Oh, baby girl. I miss you.

this apartment.

2010-06-06T13:41:00.000-07:00

"Oh goodness," I said as I dropped the grocery bags to the floor. I had to walk through a maze to get to the kitchen and didn't even bother bringing the bags all the way in. Dishes need to be washed, the dining room table needs to be found beneath the pile of papers, and the living room is crowded with a growing pile of boxes - both empty and full.

Everywhere I look I start to take note of all that needs to be done. Dear friends have offered to help, but I wouldn't know where to send them at this point. My big goal tomorrow: catch up on the normal chores like dishes, mopping the kitchen floor, dusting the shelves... and oh yeah, the lamp in the living room needs a new light bulb. Then, MAYBE, I can start to do more packing.

How do people do this on a regular basis? This surely would induce me to down-size if I thought I would be moving again in a year or two.

And then on to the next property: 103 Main Street. The inspection was suppose to be Saturday morning. All fingers were crossed and our prayers had gone up asking that this be a thorough and detailed report so we know what we are getting into. The inspector had to cancel at the last minute and now we have 8 days to reschedule another inspector. :( hmmm. Just in case the knots in my stomach weren't tight enough!

But, behind the scenes we continue to move forward in that direction unless we hear otherwise. Items being ordered, employees getting insured, filed for taxes, and an accountant hired. The list is long, as the new salon manager has found out. She and I both will continue to keep our head above water - even if we swallow a few mouth-fulls of water while we go. We trust God and we move as we feel He opens doors and directs our steps.

Today: I rest.

2010-06-04T05:36:00.000-07:00

A glimpse at our new house.

and there will be boxes.

2010-06-02T16:55:00.000-07:00

We walked in the apartment tonight and stood at the doorway looking in at the living room and dining room. Papers. Everywhere.

"We're doing our part to save the trees," Rick said sarcastically.

I laughed, but this place was trashed. And all I can think now is that we have to fit our life into boxes to cart it 12 miles away. Isn't there an easier way of doing this? A button to push? Nope.

The problem with moving is two things: 1) it is a messy process even before you begin packing. The taxes, the documents you have to sign, the bank papers, the lawyer papers, the bills from the inspector and the appraiser... The list goes on. And then you are suppose to pick up that stuff and pack your life away in boxes in, hopefully, an organized arrangement.

Reason 2) is that it is a hard concept to wrap your mind around (unless you have experience in this area). Mentally you are trying to catch up, but telling your body to start packing before you even understand exactly what you are doing. You're like a skit from Brian Regan, walking around the stage looking stupid and trying not to sound dumb in life. (if you listen to Brian, that makes a lot more sense. You too.)

I have never had to move everything I owned all at once - or at least, when I did move here, I only had a room full of stuff from my parents house to move. Much more simple.

So, I wash the dishes and clean the stove a little more vigorously knowing it will help me in the next few weeks as I try to clean-as-I-pack. But, it doesn't matter where I look, I can't help but thinking this would be easier if I were more organized with my current lifestyle. :(

But, life keeps going and the salon is expanding and ever-changing. And I am suppose to make the final calls except, I keep thinking someone else is going to come in and be the boss and perhaps I won't have to be the one to train a new stylist. But, guess what? It's all on me. The buck stops here for now and that's okay. One decision at a time; one expense at a time. One phone call at a time; one hair cut at time.

One step at a time... or sometimes a leap.

Oh me, Oh my.

2010-05-26T06:03:00.000-07:00

17 months have gone by since we said our vows on a 40 degree December night. Through unemployment, a miscarriage, physical pain for Rick, losing a baby through a court case, and finding the house of our dreams already spoken for, we have managed to keep our head above water and refreshed our perspective with the Word on more than one occasion. Life is a ever-changing turn of events. Oh, this is a horrible first paragraph. Oh, I sound like I am complaining and lacking in faith perhaps to list these things first thing. In all honesty, I rarely think of them, but I feel them. These circumstances that we walked through have changed me - for the better I hope. I have to convince myself to not walk like I am on eggshells because of this stuff, but rather to keep traipsing through life as God directs.

But, yesterday when I heard about an opportunity that had come knocking at our door, well... I sat down and cried. "Why, God? Why? How come Your timing for this couldn't have been 5 months ago when we asked?" But, the bottom line? It wasn't. People who don't know Jesus say to me, "Everything happens for a reason." What is that reason to them? I am not sure. I much prefer to put my faith in God and know that He has everything happen for HIS reason and not some unknown cosmic realm directing our meaningless lives here on earth.

What is it she is talking about? you may wonder.

I keep saying, "oh me, oh my", because I just don't know what else to say. We found the house of our dreams last February. Oh, we were so excited. This one fit - like a glove. Ya know? So, we stepped out in faith for God to meet us financially and purchase offer was given. Did we get the house? No. Oh, how terribly disappointed we were when the emotional battle was finally over and we realized there was no hope unless God.

So, we pushed through and the long and the short of it is this: We put a purchase offer on a commercial location here in Canton. Right on Main Street. How excited are we!? An expansion of the salon - beautiful decorations, lighting, atmosphere. Two new stylists, tanning, etc. We took a deep breath and went for it. I have lost sleep staying up at night and early in the morning to scan pictures and crunch numbers and make lists.

And then we got the call. The house in Madrid is available and the owner's want US to buy it. Rick and I. Me and Rick. To buy their house. Oh me, oh my. What to do? My Dad says on the phone with us, "This doesn't need to be an either or... I think it can be both!" Oh what faith. You may find me on occasion with a paper bag over my mouth and my head between my knees. "But God..." He can move mountains. I wasn't sure why He chose to move them right now, but we shall roll with the punches and see where this leads.

So, I look around our messy apartment (I told Rick on Sunday this was going to be a "2-steps forward, 1-step back" types of week when it came to cleaning - and for sure, I was right!) and I wonder what God has for us next. Will we buy a house and the Main Street property? It's a good thing He knows. Despite the hard times, our mantra has been the verse, "Everything works together for good to those who love God..." Thank you, Jesus for peace.

We'll see how this portion of our story ends!

Be Our Everything.

2010-04-15T06:15:00.000-07:00

She rocked slowly in her rocking chair and played with her fingers in a way that showed how helpless she felt. She chattered on about the funeral arrangements, about her boys smile, and how they had told her he hadn't suffered.

Last night I laid in bed and had memories drifting through my head of babysitting in a quiet house years ago. Three little heads on their pillows after an evening of a movie and a snack. The mom was always so organized - the kitchen was spotless, the pajamas were already out, and the instructions clear. I never had a problem with those little kiddies. Two brothers and a little sister.

But, now there is one less. They have grown up quite a few years since I babysat. But, as his older brother said, "Why now? Why so young?" That's a good question.

As the rocking chair made its slow lullaby she said with hallow eyes, "As a parent you always wonder what it would be like to lose a child and you know it would be awful, but it's even worse than I knew. It's even worse than I knew it would be."

The tears. Oh the sadness. When will this be over, Lord? So many questions; so many hurting hearts. All there is to do is hug, pray, support with words and sometimes with silence. But the Lord will be the best thing for those hurting hearts because in the dark of the night, that is who is going to be there.

So, Lord - be their Comfort. Their Peace.

april travels.

2010-04-10T16:10:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning more disoriented than usual. I looked around to see why the room was so dark and where I was. I vaguely remembered traveling somewhere yesterday, but as I slowly looked around, I couldn't quite recall where we had gone. I actually questioned who was sleeping next to me for a split second (come on, Carina!).

But, it came back to me. Six hours to a place north of Toronto. Blue Mountain - ski slopes on one side of the hotel and Nottawasaga Lake on the other. Strange mixture - the smell of water and the view of the mountains, but it was beautiful. Nestled in between those two points, is a little village and TONS of housing, hotels, and condo's. Ski country and a beautiful spot in the summer, this quaint location is bustling and had more of a Portland Maine feel than I would have associated with Canada.

Rick and I made our way to an Espresso Bar and ordered pastry's, specialty coffees, and orange juice and I noted the owner (who resembled Jedediah Burke to such a degree that it made me look twice) was sitting outside in the cold morning air complete with a trapper hat, heavy wool sweater, and a hot cup of coffee. He slipped in side shortly after we arrive to silently assist the girl behind the counter with our order.

The jazz played in the back ground and the brick streets out the window made for a perfect atmosphere. Rick and I chatted about soccer, business plans, real estate, and plans for the day while he sat with a newspaper and I with my bible.

Our day consisted of walking around at a slow pace, popping our heads in small little boutiques and we decided to go for a horse back riding trip tomorrow! There was a place to paint your own pottery, but I declined Rick's offer for me to do that. Too many other things.

This weekend was to relax. And relax we have. Rick is currently taking a nap (it's 7:27pm... hmm. Not sure that means for the rest of the evening!) and I think I'd like to suggest playing some pool at some point this evening.

Rick and I keep walking around asking, "Who knew this was up here?" It's adorable! Definitely the right place to come. Very relaxing. We haven't had to use our car once since arriving. For Rick's birthday he got an upgrade to a suite with complimentary underground parking. What a nice weekend, despite the cool temperatures and change in plans.

2010-02-26T06:00:00.001-08:00

The house I loved burned.

I know I already said that on facebook, but I am still talking about it. ALL THE TIME. I mean, what are the chances? One of my clients jaw dropped when I told her this ironic story and said, "My goodness, Carina, you guys have seen it all!" Ha! I am still smiling! It is kind of funny. And the way I think of it is this: I wouldn't be laughing if it burned down the first time WE lit a fire in the wood stove, right?

Life has been taking a turn for what feels like the better. At least, my attitude has been. Rick has a meeting with a surgeon next week for the chronic back pain he has been suffering with for seven years. Last month Dr. Carr was the first Doctor to have any diagnosis - the FIRST ONE in SEVEN years!!!!! We prayed constantly for 24 hours before he saw Dr. Carr. Praying that God would anoint his hands and his abilities to help Rick and HE did. All of the MRI's, chiropractor visits, deep tissue massages, acupuncture and tests on Rick's back turned up nothing because the problem was in his shoulders! He has a tear in his muscle and a rip in his tendon in his shoulder. (or something - that was the simple version)

In the meantime, we are staying positive and hopeful and focusing on other things (like buying houses that won't burn down). The thought alone that surgery could help heal Rick's back is like winning the lottery - which is very strange since we are talking about him, being on a table, totally unconscious, with a knife cutting his skin open. But, it's all relative, right?

I went to Florida last week for 4 days. The sky was so blue. The sun was warm (even though the breeze was not). It was refreshing and the fact that I woke up every morning with the sun, the sound the birds and feeling energized is COMPLETELY opposite of the way I feel here during the month of February. The morning after coming home I woke up to the gray sky and wanted to hibernate till April...errr, June.

Ok, I said I was staying positive and am clearly proving myself otherwise at this point.

So, with that -

ciao.

P.S. Happy Birthday to my oldest nephew, Gabriel. I cried a little bit this morning when I thought about the fact that you are SEVEN! What in the world? I feel old now. You're the best.

Boxes.

2010-02-02T07:53:00.001-08:00

Every where I look I see boxes. Last week I finally packed and stored away 3 boxes of baby clothes. I folded each piece and wondered if they would be used any time soon. For bit I thought about just giving them away, but I couldn't part with them. Too precious.

And there is still two more little boxes sitting in the dining room with the odds n' ends from her time here that I just don't know what to do with. So, they continue to sit there.

On the other side of the room are two boxes full of computer stuff. Two weeks ago, I had sorted and put all that stuff away in our spare bedroom... and now they are down here again. I am stubbornly refusing to bring them up.

There are more boxes overflowing from my living room garbage from the computer project that has taken place. Again, I am being stubborn about that too.

Then there is this box - it's called an iPhone. It rings all the time and I don't go anywhere without it. I am currently considering buying one for my husband so that he can have a box that rings, texts, searches the WWW, and all that fun stuff. My sister wants to get one too. What did we do without such boxes with all the gadgets?

Rick and I are tossing around the idea of buying a REALLY big, fancy box with windows and doors and all that stuff. Some people call it a house. This Friday I will be looking around at a few of my favorite (at least, favorite from the outside). The thought of more space sounds good, but when I look around our current "box", I wonder how I would find time to clean anything bigger. This seems challenging enough.

Our box that holds the mail always has the flap open when I come home. Sometimes there is something in it, and sometimes there isn't. I wonder if someone likes to open it while we are gone and that makes me worried. I worry about a lot sometimes.

I wish I had a box for all the emotions from the last six months of my life. I don't have a box for them - if I did, I would sort them out and store them away. Pretend they aren't around. Perhaps that's what I have done. One box would be labeled: memories of being a Mama for three months. The other one would hold the sorrow and grief from that ending so abruptly and painfully. I would have so many boxes. But, instead, I leave all the emotions lying around and sometimes I look them in the eye and deal with them, and other times I walk around them and try not to notice.

My Mother-in-Law is recovering from surgery and since she can't drive, she has generously lent the fancy box-on-wheels she owns to me. It has been SOOOO nice to have this kind of a box all to myself. I can see myself getting far too used to that. Yesterday, I drove all over town looking at the houses around here. Today, I ran errands in Potsdam.

One of the errands was to the Orthodontist. They handed me a little box with retainers in them. Ouch. The Doctor and his assistants all looked at me when I put them on and cringed. "That's gonna hurt", they said. I know. It's been seven years since I wore them. Ouch is right.

Those are my boxes.

one of my favorite pictures.

2010-01-27T06:53:00.000-08:00

Oh, how I love that baby girl.

dream, when you're feeling blue...

2010-01-24T20:10:00.000-08:00

I have been dreaming of things big and small. Significant and not-so-significant. But, they are all part of my dreams of...

=buying a house.

=picking up my room.

=my husband being healed from 7 years of back pain.

=redecorating a new house.

=going to Florida for some warmth.

=seeing the little baby girl once again that I think about every day.

=seeing all the hopes I have tucked away come true (it's a lifetime, I know!)

=cutting my hair or not cutting my hair...??

=a new acquaintance getting saved.

*******

2010-01-12T06:34:00.001-08:00

I am back into a routine. Well, for me it is routine. Depending on what time I work in the morning, I have been trying VERY hard to wake up with enough time to make my coffee, eat breakfast (that is a big deal for me), and take vitamins. More importantly, I try to make sure I have enough time to read my bible and/or journal.

My coffee turned out yicky this morning and I can't figure out why. I use the same amount of beans every morning, the same amount of water in the french press, and the water is boiling. How can this go wrong? But it did. I guess I could blame it on the creamer.

It's snowing again. And it's not that I don't think the snow is lovely, because it is fun to look at, but really I am just done with it. Done with needing my husband to shovel again; done having to put tall socks and boots on everywhere I go unless I forfeit warmth and comfort for fashion (which, much to my surprise I have been choosing the first over the latter, which is SO unlike me).

Last night I slept in the "extra room". We took the crib out, the clothes, and all the stuff that was for our little baby, and we bought a futon and a fabulous dresser from the used furniture store, "It 'll Do". (not quite sure why that name - but it is a great store) So, I wanted to try out the futon last night. I had a hard time falling asleep as all I could think about was, "This is the room she used to fall asleep in." It was almost overwhelming to the point of me getting up and leaving until I realized part of the overwhelming feeling was that it was just SO stuffy in that small room. It's a good thing I turned a small fan on every night while the baby was with us.

My sister's band is playing a gig this weekend in Saratoga Springs. I want to be a crazy girl and go hear her saturday night and come back afterwards. Hey, it's potentially the last gig JMB will play, can you blame me?

prayer

2010-01-03T20:10:00.000-08:00

Dear Jesus,

We need some very very clear direction. Please?

Sincerely,

Carina

2009-12-29T18:26:00.000-08:00

I listened to this song during a very hard season of my life right after high school. It is such a King David song that reflects so much in my heart. As I listened to it tonight, new meaning was brought to it and the tears wouldn't stop. And I thought to myself, "What was I thinking by praying this prayer? Did I know it would hurt like this?" Yes, I did. But, honestly? I didn't think it would be at the cost of a baby's life being either filled with Jesus or one that wasn't.

take, take 'til there's nothing
nothing to turn to
nothing when you get through
(Did you have to take her, Jesus?)

won't you break
scatter pieces of all i've been
(Did you scatter part of me as the love I have for her went with her?)
bowing to all i've been running to
where are You?

did you leave me unbreakable?
leave me frozen?
i've never felt so cold
i thought you were silent
i thought you left me for the wreckage and the waste
on an empty beach of faith
was it true?

yes, i, i got a question
i got a question where are You?
(Are you with her, Jesus?)

scream deeper, i wanna scream
(I feel trapped, Jesus. Do you hear it though?)
i want you to hear me
i want you to find me i,
i want to believe
(Oh, how I want to believe. Oh, how I did believe... that this was Your plan...)
but all i pray is wrong and all i claim is gone
(Did we all hear wrong? Did we all believe wrong?)

yes, i, i got a question i got a question where are You?

the aftermath

2009-12-28T07:54:00.000-08:00

I really wanted to sleep in today. I knew I needed it after 3 or 4 days of holiday at my parents and Rick's parents. We had wonderful days. Full of fun, presents, family; laughter and some tears. But, who's kidding who? That is tiring.

So, it's Monday and I am looking forward to a week where I am only working for one day. But, since traditionally Monday is my day off, I was really looking forward to sleeping in my own bed and sleeping IN. I haven't been very good at sleeping late since we got the baby in August. She helped me get over my need of sleep in the mornings (and sometimes at night). But, ever since then, more often than not, alarm clock set or not, I am up in the morning way before I use to think was normal.

I woke up twice when Rick was getting ready to leave the house for cell group. I was irritated because I thought for sure I wasn't going to be able to fall back asleep. But, I did! Twice!

Now, I would usually just get up if my sleep is disturbed at a reasonable hour of the morning. But, today? No. Even between being awake and sleeping I knew that I should get my beloved rest because once I was awake, I would be busy, busy, busy.

And it's true. I woke up, looked around my bedroom, hallway, bathroom, kitchen, dining room... AAAHHHHHHH! It's a mess. Literally. Every. Corner. Is. A. Mess.

Where do you start? I picked the kitchen and tackled it. It's not thorough, but its clean, the dishes are put away - old and new. Stove is wiped down, and I am on to the next room: the bedroom. Scary as it may seem.

And I will keep doing this till all the rooms are picked up and then I will start to put my decorations away. All away. :( Rick already mentioned how un-cozy he is afraid our living room will look without a tree. Oh well, if it were up all the time, it wouldn't be special.

Good luck to all this week organizing after Christmas. Try to get it done before the new year, that's my goal!

Star Wars and 1 year.

2009-12-27T12:43:00.000-08:00

Sunday afternoon after a holiday... left over food and cookies and lots of people gathered around tables (and some in the family room watching football). It's not quite as formal as our holiday dinners, but just as much fun. Buffet in the kitchen and instructions for everyone to wash their own dishes. Sounds good to me.

After long discussions about an afternoon movie outing, 8 people pile into a van and a few go to see Sherlock Holmes and some to Avatar. The house is much quieter with so many people missing and the remaining two men settle on the couches to watch the rest of the games on TV and the rest of us girls scatter to different rooms. Oh, and by the way, we are all doing the same thing: watching a movie. Different movies; some on a TV, some on computers. Social, huh? Tonight is game night - I guess we are saving our social energy for that.

My movie of choice? Star Wars - the original. The only problem was that we don't own those (what a pity to have the new ones but not the 1977 version). Ryan happened to have Return of the Jedi, so I popped that in. It's not my favorite of the three originals, but it works. Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, and Princess Laeh. But, I have flash backs to when I first started watching this. Jamie and I would often request a showing of these "classics" when we went to visit our Nana on Long Island. Of course, the copies she had were on very old VHS tapes and were taped off of the TV - not the greatest, but Jay and I would eat them up.

So, between the showing of The Music Man, Slipper and the Rose, and other wonderful movies, we would watch Star Wars. Undoubtedly, Danica and Brietta would find other ways to entertain themselves - I don't recall them enjoying these movies like we did.

At some point, I have to get back to reality: my house is a mess after Christmas. My Mom offered to come help, but considering she has a much bigger house and a lot more people to clean up after, that hardly seemed fair. So, I told her we would just start going through all of our gifts one by one and slowly get organized.

Today is my 1-year wedding anniversary. Rick is out watching a movie and Mom said, "Aren't you a bit young to start that?" But, truth be told, we celebrated in advance knowing that the Christmas season is too busy and with so many family members around we want to be with them.

So, December 27th... It's almost 4:00. I suppose I was getting ready to have some pictures taken of me and my bridesmaids at this point last year. Wow. A whole year?

the young [the old, the in-between] and the restless.

2009-12-17T15:22:00.000-08:00

Today was one of those days... one of those days. I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed (and perhaps I went to bed on the wrong side too - thats just how off I feel). If I could say something corny like, "My universe felt off balance" than I would.

My first client was 20 minutes late because she lost her keys. Yes, it happens. I understood and proceeded to do her hair, albeit, a little fast, but I did it. She also forgot her tea thermos, her gloves, her scarf, and came back into my salon twice to retrieve them. I took a deep sigh when she finally left. I have those days - but I try to leave them at home.

Then I had a teenage boy. First time I met him; first time he met me. His hair was hanging in his eyes and he told me that is how he liked it. Not a big deal since for the past two years that is how high school boys wear their hair. But, as he achieved a new degree of slumping as he sat down, I wondered how a Mom sits on the couch and watches this display of indifference and disrespect. Can I just say to anyone out there who has teenage boys that you don't need to tolerate this. They are YOUNG men. And if you don't agree with that, than let me say this: I am a PERSON, a STRANGER, and OLDER than those teenage boys. Well, maybe its harder to parent them than it seems. But I grew up with a brother who wasn't allowed to slump and was taught to look someone in the eye when speaking to them and it was tolerated to only use one-syllable words to communicate. I also grew up with teenage boys who wore ties on Sundays, used a belt for their pants, and combed their hair OUT of their eyes. And by the way - they turned out to make the best of friends.

Some people would say, "Well, its just the teen years", but why waste those years? Aren't those the years they need to learn to be adults so that when they graduate from college at the age of 21 they don't do things like, "travel to find myself" (no joke, I have met more of them than I can tell you).

K. So, then I had 2 "no-shows", which wasn't that bad because a kind Dentist stopped in to see if he could slip in to my schedule today instead of tomorrow. He also said he just wanted to see me. At 70-something, I am sure he likes the company. He proceeded to tell me about the deep-founded love he had for a woman who worked for him for the past 15 years. He closed his practice and then realized he was in love with her. Problem is: she is married. I almost cried. Apparently, confessing his love he now understands that he doesn't stand a chance. Sad way to live your final years.

I could write a book. No, seriously.

But, the night ended well as I did a practice-run on a soon-to-be-bride. How lovely it is going to be. An evening December wedding... oh the memories. Was it really a year ago now? (We won't get into that right now) But, we swept up curls and tried this and that and finally stood back with pride at the final creation. Fun. Beautiful. The Groom will be happy. ;)

And that was my Thursday.

On to Friday.

sunday ponderings.

2009-12-13T13:08:00.001-08:00

I am house sitting/dog sitting at a friends house right around the corner from my house. It's fun - she has a bigger kitchen and comfy couches and CABLE! I spent the afternoon relaxing and watching a WE TV cake show. I LOVE watching cake shows. I feel so inspired and I feel like getting up and making a cake right away.

I feel as though I find out something new about myself every day as of late. I love being creative, but often don't find the energy to do it. I want to sow, I want to make cakes, I want to take voice lessons, I want to be in musicals... the list goes on. But I feel like the limitations take over my life - resources, time, discipline, space, etc. I need to just dive in. My goal is that after Christmas I will take all/any $$ I get and put it towards material. I would like to make a few things: skirts, dresses, and some curtains for my kitchen.

And, perhaps my friend with the bigger kitchen will let me take over her space so that I can make a beautiful cake. ;)

But, I am an "excuse" person... I find excuses for a lot - exercise, consistent Bible reading, emotions, diligence... oh, the lists are endless today. What's the deal with that?

The list even is endless for what I lay in bed thinking about every night: a baby being somewhere in Rochester. Did we do enough? Did we pray enough? What should we do now? What should I say now? Did we do something wrong? Why would HE allow this?

Questions and lists. That's been my day.

On a lighter note: my family will all be together finally starting tonight. My bro-in-law fly's in from California tonight and now we can officially start the festivities and I am so glad to have his smile and great sense of humor around now.

just another Tuesday.

2009-12-08T06:01:00.000-08:00

This is why I didn't want to start another blog: I feel as though I have run out of things to write. Well, I would sound like a broken record if I wrote every day. All day long I think of things to write about, but then I sit down at a computer and its like blank.

Shopping is almost done for Christmas. I almost bought all of Pier 1 (for myself), and it wouldn't have taken much to spend way too much money on Rick's presents. So, now it's the wrapping part so that is what I started last night. And the bottom of my tree won't look so lonely.

For the time being, the bags of presents are sitting on the floor of the baby's room. We haven't gone in there since two weeks ago, but we are starting to open the door and move things around slowly but surely. As I look around the house, I have realized that as Christmas came out at our house, the baby stuff stated getting moved up to the bedroom behind the closed door. It makes me sad...

The snow covered trees outside my window is so pretty - but, I would prefer to stay in here and look at it all day instead of going to work today. Anyone want to pretend to be me for the day? ;)

morning time.

2009-12-04T04:54:00.001-08:00

Every spare minute of my time has been spent in the kitchen. Baking Christmas cookies feels therapeutic and distracting, so I have made 4 batches of Rum Logs (the traditional Sinclair Christmas cookies) and a batch of Gingerbread dough.

I have been setting my alarm to wake up at a decent time (usually 7:30) because I had gotten use to my mornings. I sound like my Mom more and more! I never thought I would voluntarily wake up - I LOVE to sleep in the morning. But, now I sit with my coffee and relax and then I still have time to work out and do some house hold chores before I go to work.

My morning wake up call use to be a little baby. She would sit with me while I drank my coffee and just about the time I was finishing, she would want to eat. I miss my morning time with her. It was the first thing that brought reality crashing last week... All alone in the morning.

So, this morning I am buying shoes while I drink coffee. Hmmmm...

Speaking of coffee, I am very upset and nervous that my espresso machine is not working probably and my coffee tastes terrible lately. Not only that, it is leaking water now. I guess I will have to go back to using the french press while I try to fix the espresso maker.

My eldest sister is flying home this morning. My little nephew probably woke up with excitement this morning (poor little guy thought he was leaving last Friday since he was promised he was going to Nana and Papa's "after Thanksgiving"!) and I hope that he and his brother are treating their mother fairly on this long flight across the country. I have already reserved time with my sister tomorrow evening to decorate cookies. She is very popular so I needed to text her and tell her this was my evening!

Enjoy your weekend.

it's the most [nerve-wracking] time of the year.

2009-12-03T06:08:00.000-08:00

December 3rd.

As this month progresses, so does our need to make some big decisions... neither of us feel like making big decisions right now. But, time is not being friendly to us currently. I have been needing the reminder of Ephesians 5:15 a lot lately ("...making the most of your time, because the days are evil...").

Rick graduates with a Bachelor's in Business Administration in two weeks and next Monday he leaves to go check out some MBA programs. I am still working at my salon, but since I cut back my hours when we had our little baby, it will take me some time to build my usual schedule back up. Everything thing is up in the air: do we stay here? do I hire someone? does Rick go to school? does Rick apply for more jobs? (well, that one is answered: three applications going out this week.)

And all the while, we just want to sit in our house and stare at the wall. But, we are suppose to make the most of our time. Hmmmm. Does that include decorating for Christmas? Fortunately, I go to bed too tired every night to lay there for long feeling anxious for God to come through for us in a BIG way.

On a different note: I went to see Liana participate in a performance of Handel's Massiah. She was asked to be in a select orchestra that accompanied the Laurentian Singer's. I was so proud of her -- the youngest by far of anyone else sitting in the "pit" and she plays so very nicely. I know some people would find this sort of entertainment a bore, I however find it fascinating to watch each musician and see how they view their form of art. It makes me wish I had pursued music a little bit more. :( Oh well, maybe some day (haha).

I woke up this morning thinking about presents for my little kiddies (nieces and nephews). I was a very silly Aunt and managed to buy Christmas presents for 5 of my 7 nieces and nephews. Oh man, how am I going to manage to keep track of all of them when all my siblings are married? I think I will just buy 50 of the same thing and pass it out.

Merry Christmas.

daily ramblings.

2009-12-01T16:50:00.000-08:00

I ran across the street today to stop by the Freihofer's bakery outlet. I wandered for a minute, grabbed a few things off the shelves and went to check out. The cashier started ringing my items up and she suddenly looked up at me with a smirk and asked if I was wearing "jingle bells". I looked at her confused and she quickly explained, "Oh, it must have been that I heard your earrings jingling and thought you were wearing bells."

What I think she failed to notice was that her earrings were jingling 10x louder than mine were.

Strange.

I managed to get through my first day back to work. I only suffered through a few painful conversations relating to last week's events. It seems callous for me to relay what happened to my baby without shedding a tear. Perhaps it is that I am in more of a professional role, or maybe its just that I have cried too much to let on during work hours. Regardless, I managed to get through it and that was the aim.

My new blog is not my attempt to share constantly of what happened last week, but Rick encouraged me to have a new spot to share what has happened and what is going to happen in my life. And currently, the only thing that runs through my head over and over again are the things that happened the past three months. They have marked Rick and me permanently - we had a baby for three months; we were parents for three months.

At times it seems like it was just a dream, and other times the pain is too real to pass as purely mental. But, even more so, the love I felt for her was too real. It wasn't something that could be made up or pretended.

I used to sing to her, "Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world..." And now I sing it to myself... to reassure myself.

Tis the Season...

2009-11-30T18:05:00.000-08:00

So, as we process and move forward after last week's major upset/life change, we managed to deck the halls yesterday and today. It didn't come without some frustrations and differing of opinions (between Rick and I), but considering that family traditions being combined and the heartache that we are both dealing with, I think we managed to come out of it okay (or at least in one piece!).

My sister, Julia, and I threw together some soup, threw candles up everywhere, found a spot for the new Crate and Barrel decorations that I bought, and Rick helped us pick out a beautiful tree from the local hardware store. Having never picked out our own tree, I found myself looking around for just ONE MORE opinion (I mean, I can't possibly pick one out on my own!), but we nabbed a great one.

Only once when I was outside admiring the porch lights did my eyes mist over and I said the all too familiar words, "This isn't fair, Rick. It wasn't suppose to be like this."

My family was inside - Dad, Mom, Julia, Jessica, Liana, Camilla, Merrick, Daniel, Brietta, Gabriel, Bronwyn, Jackson, Aubrey, and little Claire. But, I knew someone else was missing and it was a little girl that had been apart of this little clan - and she had been OUR clan. Ricky and I -- we were building a family for her. I had already been thinking of traditions for us to start around the holidays... I guess it just isn't fair. (I can hear the famous quote used in my house growing up - fairness is not the objective of life." But, in this case, that just doesn't seem as easy to swallow.)

But, cookies have been made, decorated by little fingers, and demolished! And we had fun!

The candles are still lit and Rick and I have settled down for a few moments of quite before we fall asleep and start a new week.

A new week... *sigh*

One step at a time [with Jesus by my side].

I found this in my camera. I just LOVE this picture. Is she not the cutest?

Not quite done yet. It's a start though.

a new season.

2009-11-29T17:09:00.000-08:00

Today found Rick and I wandering slowly around the apartment in an attempt to do something rather than nothing. Eventually, nothing got the better of Rick and he found some relaxation in the couch, a blanket, and TV shows online. Christmas decorations were calling my name and so I first I made a mess, than I started to pick up the mess and in its stead was twinkle lights, red candles, and decorations that were all new.

This is our first Christmas season together as a married couple.

Last Tuesday was a cruel ending of one season and the beginning of another that I am stubbornly digging in my heels on the way to. Last Tuesday, the baby we had been caring for was taken away from us. One loud crack of a gavel and everything my life had quickly turned into was reversed. No more 2:30am feedings; no more scheduling our lives around her's. Every conversation about the present and the future was focused on her well-being.

And oh, how we cared for her well-being.

"Did she nap on schedule? Did she eat enough? Where do you think would be a good town for her to grow up in? What kind of personality do you think she will have? How do we make sure we are good parents for her? What should we get her for her first Christmas?"....

I already have two Christmas presents hidden away in the closet for her.

But of course the questions flood me at every moment. So many questions. Not one of them can be answered - and probably won't be answered till I can ask HIM. I flee from moments of reflection unless I am prepared to grab a box of tissues and have my journal nearby. Since when did Walmart become a melancholy place? Well, apparently, today it was!

Regardless of all that, I just miss her. I miss her laugh and holding her tight. I miss that she relied on me for everything! What a big job; a job I never thought I could handle or want. Rick said, "I guess most people would think this an easier life -- no baby to buckle in every time we get into the car. No baby to make it hard to schedule our daily life around. No baby to have to feed... But, I just miss her. I would rather the inconvenience ANY DAY than the loneliness we feel now."

So, back to reality. The Christmas lights are up and a tree will come tomorrow. And we will take it one day at a time... err... one minute at a time. And all the while, I will search for answers to some of the plaguing thoughts in my heart and maybe HE will answer some. Slowly, but surely.

One step at a time [with Jesus by my side].